What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 11:50
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Why do boobs of some girls bounce when they walk?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
How is cultural invasion being carried out by Bollywood?
So, i spoilt her more .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Mazda Blamed Owners Until Regulators Stepped In - Carscoops
(And it was in our own minds.)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She found it foreign!.
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Ive learnt so much.
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I write beautiful poetry .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Who then, do I blame.?
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was seconnd youngest,
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
Comes on , in middle age.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She wouldn,t have been !
This is soul school!.
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She was in good health!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She loved him until the end.
It was going to be , some day.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I never cut or harmed myself..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My life is so biszare .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I will be 64.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So whats the point in blame.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One cannot live in the past .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
When she asked me how she looked .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I said to her
I was very sick at this time too.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Would this be the day?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We all went to grammer schools
I don,t even have a pension.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I think the readers, may guess!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I waited trembling.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He knew the spot.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
What did i know ?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Put me off passion for life!!
But it wasn’t much.
I was 9 years of age.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My family never makes their pension either.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But, we were locked up after school.
I was scared of men, in general
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Im still living with it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And i lived it daily.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I have no regrets .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She married twice! .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Was to survive, this bastard.
We were not on the streets..
All the time i was locked up.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!